Good morning. I’ve been thinking about vocabulary this week. Specifically, where ours goes when we need it most.
An executive I work with got some feedback recently. The composite kind, gathered from the people around her: she can come across as abrasive, people can feel threatened around her. She didn’t argue, exactly. What she said was, “In my mind, I don’t see that.”
That’s an honest sentence. Most people would say “that’s not true.” She said she couldn’t see it. Different thing.
A few minutes later, still talking, she described a colleague who had once confronted her about something. Her words: “She came at me like I was being disciplined by my high school principal” And then: “If I’m made to feel a certain way, I’m going to give it back.”
I let it hang there for a moment. Then I said, maybe that’s a good example of how you’re received sometimes.
Pause. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”
Here’s the pattern, and once you see it you’ll see it everywhere. She had the entire vocabulary for what it feels like to be on the other end of her. Precise, vivid, instantly available. Disciplined by my principal is not a phrase you fumble for. But the vocabulary only worked in one direction. Pointed at her own effect on people: I don’t see that. Pointed at someone else’s effect on her: perfect clarity.
That’s not a character flaw. It’s how the inside of a pattern works. From inside, your own behavior is just the reasonable response to what everyone else is doing. The receiving end is where the data lives, and you’re never on your own receiving end.
I’d offer you a diagnostic, but you already know it. Think of the last time you described, with real precision, how someone else made you feel in a meeting. You have the words. The question is whether anyone on your team could be describing you the same way, in a room you’re not in.
You’d never hear it. That’s rather the point.
If you’re in the middle of something that one conversation can’t resolve, that’s the kind of work I do with leaders one-on-one. Not advice. Pattern recognition applied over time, so the pattern doesn’t just get named, it gets rewired. Reply to this email if you want to talk about what that could look like.
This week’s read: Insight by Tasha Eurich. Eurich’s research found that 95 percent of people believe they’re self-aware and about 15 percent actually are. The book is about the gap. Her chapter on how power widens it should be required reading for anyone with a title. Find it here.
I’d tell you how it turns out, but we’re not there yet.