A few days ago I wrote a blog about arrogance sinking a ship. A few hours after I posted it, I saw arrogance hit close to home. As a coach I look at things with a birds-eye view, and it is easy from there to see things objectively. But when it’s personal, objectivity is not as easy. In fact it
took a few days of meditation and several sleepless nights to realize that to find peace I must practice what I preach.
It started when I was reminded of an amazing talent in an amazing young woman whom I had worked with ten years ago. She is bright, energetic, personable, kind, professionally aggressive (in a good way) and I had remained her friend all these years. I had a client who had a
need for someone just like my friend. And, being the “arrogant coach” I truly believed that I knew what was best for her.
I reached out to her and I offered her an opportunity that could professionally change the direction of her life. It would take a solid year of learning, but she would have been able to reach new heights. I convinced her to give it a try and I convinced my client to hire her even though she had zero experience in the field. I am a firm believer in transferring skills and I was sure (arrogantly) I could coach her through it.
When she started she was amazing. Her personality shined through and she was learning fast. She worked her first four days and seemed to be thriving. I was already envisioning her in New York City at a trade show. I was quite proud of my hire (arrogance again). So my disappointment on Monday morning when she didn’t show up was profound. She didn’t call; I hadn’t received any messages from her. I tried her cell. Three hours went by before I finally received a text in which she mentioned that she had sent me an email over the weekend (I never received it) stating that she had decided the job wasn’t for her.
Suddenly, my coaching skill went right out the window. I felt betrayed, insulted, crushed, angry, disappointed, let down, you name it I was feeling it. I had put my name on the line with her, this was personal. It was as if someone had smacked my emotional sunburn and I was smarting in a big way. I received a text from her saying that she would call me later. I told her not to bother she had let me down and I really had nothing to say to her. I couldn’t shake the anger all day.
Then I spent some time meditating. I started focusing on the birds-eye view instead of the internal strife. When I did that, I realized that my friend didn’t “do” anything to me. She made a choice that she felt was best for her. She made the decision that she wouldn’t be happy in that position and it didn’t matter how much money she could make. In fact, she made a choice that
I would have helped her make if she were my client.
The next night, after more meditating, I realized that I had no right to be angry with her about emailing instead of calling me either. Yes, professionally she should have picked up the telephone and spoken to me personally or better yet shown up at work that day and handled it face-to-face; but I would be lying if I said I had never taken the “email easy” way out of a situation. We all make choices and I couldn’t judge her for hers.
When I put my own coaching techniques to work on myself I remembered to “stop being offended” because it wasn’t about me. Then, I remembered to breathe. To focus on what was right and not on what was wrong. I remembered that left unchecked, anger and resentment build and unless I let it go, it would erode my soul and destroy a friendship.
Putting my coaching hat back on, I remembered that being right isn’t important, relationships are. I remembered that each of us has our own path. When I coach a client I allow them to find their own answers and with my friend I was trying to force answers on her. Not the behavior of a good coach, or a good friend.
So, after a few days of soul searching I realized that I didn’t lose a friend, and my friend didn’t lose a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We both gained an experience. She will be a success no matter where she ends up and I will be a better coach having had this experience. And again I can reiterate that arrogance will sink a ship, even when it is my own.
