Fear is a double edged sword. On the one side it cuts deeply and can paralyze us; creating an inability to move forward or sometimes to move at all. On the other side, it can be what pushes us to succeed. It can be what forces us to expand our lives and reach new dreams.
At its very worst, fear can cause a woman to stay in an abusive relationship. Because of fear, a smart, educated, strong woman will stay in a relationship where she is berated, humiliated, and sometimes even physically attacked. To an outsider it makes no sense. To an outsider the answer is perfectly clear. Walk away, and never look back. But it is fear that holds her there; a deep fear that pervades every cell in her body.
Often when people think of abusive relationships they assume the abused woman has no means to escape her abuser. She is trapped by her circumstances. But unfortunately that is only a small part of the problem. Abusive relationships come at all income levels. They happen to women with Masters Degrees as much as they happen to women who have no education at all. Abusive men are not always degenerates who live in poverty and deal drugs. Often they are upstanding citizens with highly visible and well-respected positions. They are liked by everyone, and they seem to have it all. It is this very image that they use to further trap the women they are abusing.
It starts out small when he finds a vulnerable area. He feeds on that vulnerability in a way that is constant and pervasive. It begins in a passive aggressive way but quickly builds until she finds herself locked in a room being terrorized by the man who is supposed to love her. The same man that will, after screaming at her and berating her for nine straight hours, will fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness. He will convince her that it was all her fault, that she has the problem and that she can’t escape it. He will convince her that if she only was a better woman, a better mother, a better lover, a better friend it would all be better. He convinces her that if she leaves, he will be destroyed and it will be her fault. And at that moment in time, when she is exhausted, and drained, and she feels as if she has been run over by a train, she just stops fighting. She just gives up, and she stays.
After months of this type of emotional abuse, the woman begins to believe the lies. She is emotionally exhausted, she is afraid for her safety, her financial well-being, her reputation, her family. She is living in fear, but showing the world a strong, determined and confident façade. When this couple arrives at the party, she is wearing a smile. No one knows that on the way to the party he ripped her clothing off of her in a fit of rage, and that he had to stop at a store to buy her something new to wear as he forced her to change, and forced her to smile.
After a year, she feels so drained so often that she can’t even imagine having the energy to leave. She has been deliberately isolated from her friends and her family. He controls her every move with the constant threat of a violent outburst.
People who are close to her know there is something happening but they don’t know what to do. From the outside it appears that she could leave at any time. She has the means, the education, the confidence, the personality to walk away yet she doesn’t. So, the friends and family members mind their own business and assume that she knows what she is doing. They assume that she is making the choice to stay. When in fact, she is so caught up in the daily hell that she is living, she can’t muster the energy to face the fear.
She has been beaten down emotionally so profoundly that she can’t physically move. The constant hours of emotional abuse have taken their toll. Her ability to use rational thought at work still exists, but her ability to use rational thought in her personal life is gone. She stays paralyzed by fear, and the strength she must eventually gain to walk away from her abuser is so strong that she can’t even imagine the possibility.
For some, the lucky ones like me, this is when the other side of the fear sword comes in. It happens when you have hit the bottom, when you believe you can’t go on one more day. It happens when you are physically and emotionally as low as you have ever been. It flashes before you, a fear even more profound than the one you are living in; the one that is bigger, the fear of knowing who you will become if you don’t get out. The fear of living your life in hell and having your children know you didn’t have the courage to leave.
It’s that moment when it clicks. It is that moment when the fear of staying becomes stronger than the fear of leaving. It is in that moment that every ounce of energy and resolve and discipline that a person can gather must be utilized. Leaving an abuser takes more than just resolve. It takes a plan. It takes courage, and it takes time. But once a woman reaches this point, she can and will find her way out.
This happened to me because I allowed fear and insecurity to control my thoughts. Today, I control my thoughts. I focus on the life I want to have, the life I deserve. It was this focus that brought me out of the hell, and it was this focus that has created the amazing relationship that I have today.
Don’t let fear hold you back. If you must have fear in your life, let it propel you to the highest levels of success. But don’t ever let it keep you in a place where you know you don’t belong. You can change your life. No matter how far down you are today, tomorrow can be better. You are the only one who can make it happen. Be strong.
